This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
