Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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