omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
