Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
