I smell stomach acid.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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