Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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