He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
