Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
