Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
