Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
