you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
