one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
