i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
