i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
