she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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