P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
