If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
