Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
