I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
