Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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