Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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