my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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