I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
