I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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