Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
