My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
