i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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