I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
