I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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