I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
