I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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