haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
