Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It's Friday. Sex?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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