You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
