So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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