I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
