i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
