I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
