Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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