my mouth tastes like poor choices
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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