Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You were trust falling into bushes
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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