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I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I haven't been this sober since birth.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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