My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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