I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
