I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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