My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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