if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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