There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
