you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
