Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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